the lost friendship

I’ve learned recently that friendships can’t be forced.

It’s been a tough lesson.

A few years ago I spotted a potential friendship, and set to work developing it into an amazing bond that would last for years and years. By “work,” I mean investing. I really made this one a priority. I liked this young woman very much, and she seemed to like me. I could picture our families growing together, raising children together, being there for each other and experiencing life together. I tried to be the best friend I could possibly be – available, generous, kind, thoughtful, understanding, and endlessly supportive.

Well, it failed. Miserably.

Apparently, our personalities are different. Before this experience, I thought such a small difference could easily be overcome. Now, I’m not so sure. She and I can’t seem to communicate – it’s like we’re speaking different languages. I give a compliment, she takes offense. I speak with sincerity, she senses deception. I make conversation, she feels interrogated. Somehow, my good motives appear bad.

Why is this??

I wish I knew. The experience has shaken me. Even now, months down the road, my mind spins with hurt and bewilderment when I try to pinpoint what went wrong. How could I fail at something like friendship – it seems so simple and straightforward. I’m surprised how sad I feel about the situation. Like any breakup, the repercussions of rejection are painful.

Life goes on, and I try to be mature about everything – happy and excited for my pseudo-friend’s family, enthusiastically agreeing when others describe how wonderful she is, and maintaining a polite social media presence. Meanwhile, Gregory and I have stepped back, taken a deep breath, and focused our energy on friendships that will build us up, not tear us down. Still, a tiny part of me mourns for the friendship that never was.


“…Everything that happens to us in life is the product of {God’s} will and personal intervention in our lives…”
-Rabbi Shalom Arush


8 thoughts on “the lost friendship

  1. I too have seen this movie. Having invested in men most of my married life, it is always like a piece of me is lost when the realization that the “us” will never be. As much as I seek to be as transparent as possible, there’s still a side that only close friends see. I yearn to open these quiet areas of my life more frequently. {sigh} My father, of blessed memory, used to say, “You will only have one or two friends during your whole life.” I suspect he was wiser than I gave him credit. Even today, after years of spending time, resources, energy, etc. into many, many men, there are only one or two that can pick up with me, even after months of separation, without missing a beat. Incredible treasures. These men are my friends. Hang in there!

    • Oh Dad. You understand exactly what I’m saying. Friends ARE treasures, which is why we don’t use that term lightly. The circles of friendship grow smaller as they grow deeper. One thing I think your father didn’t get to experience is the great blessing of a close friend within the family. That’s something I don’t take for granted with my sisters, mother, and {hopefully} sister-in-law. La famiglia per sempre!


  2. Dad and I love you and I totally understand the pain.
    One thing I remember everyday is

  3. I am sad with you. I have experienced similar relationships and as you said some things just can’t be forced. May HaShem bless you with that one or two friends who will be a blessing for you and your family in all ways. May you also understand that after you did all that you can do it is up to God to bless or remove.

    I believe one of the most difficult things a person can experience in their life is the break-up of a friendship. It doesn’t matter if it is the friend who ends the relationship or if it is you. Either way, with so much time, energy and closeness, walking away can be extremely painful to do.

    As an adult, I had the experience of walking away from a friendship that had been long-term once, and it was an incredibly hard decision to make.

    I pray and hope you will heal and allow HaShem to bring some really great people in your life. Shalom!

    • hello Adriana! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts + encouragement. It’s good to hear from you. Perfect way to sum up this life lesson: After all I have done, it is G-d who blesses or removes a friendship. Excellent!



Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: